I am a weird person. I find myself awake at random times, thinking random things, dreams, plans and general thoughts. I spent years chasing ideals that I thought mattered and dreams that I thought I believed in. Money, relationships and material things. I spent years chasing these things thinking these things had any bearing on my individual happiness, only to find that I am a being of solitude.
I refer to myself as a convenient extrovert. I am able to become an extrovert when the situation calls for me to be one, but generally I am an introvert. Not in the sense that I am shy, more that I enjoy my own company. My favourite time of the day is 2am, the time when I am alone, the time when I can ask myself questions and get to know myself. 2am is when I fall in love with myself. As a child I spent my days lost struggling with identity and working out what it was that I wanted to be. Those late nights, or early mornings depending on your perspective, shaped me, 2am is where I found myself.
I have spent my entire (short) life believing in the myth of validation. This idea that worth isn’t ultimately intrinsic, the fallacy of approval and the burden of peer pressure. In pursuit of such things its easy to forget yourself, lose yourself or never even give yourself the chance to know yourself in the first place. Its easy to find yourself trapped in expectations and conformity, so much so that you never discover your unique beauty, what it is that truly makes you special. 2am is real, its raw, its honest. I’m a great advocate for vulnerability, I believe its a necessity when forming the foundations of all relationships, even the relationship you have with yourself.
So often I find that we neglect ourselves in favour of extrinsic phenomena. If not we then me. In the hope of pleasing others I forget to please myself and embrace the things that truly make me happy. I love myself, I always love myself. But at 2am I fall in love with myself, every night I learn just that little more about myself. As I sit awake at 2am, busy in wonder I find that there are so much layers to my character that I ignore throughout the day, but at 2am I shine. My soul sings and my spirit dances until the morning comes and its back to normal. The mundane regularity of life, but I get through it, knowing that at 2am when I return to my shell, my natural introverted habitat the stars will align and once again I will fall in love with myself at 2am.