Birthday Special: Chapter 22 Who Could I Have Been?

 

Who Could I Have Been?

22 years and a dream,
It took 22 too see, who could I have been?
I’m in 22 deep, thousands of cuts and bruises.
Battles with dreams from writing to music.
If my walls could talk they’d recall the nights,
Record the days and recall my life.
When things weren’t clear I’ve always had you there,
In my heart, reminding me who I could have been.

After all I’ve seen, who could I have been?
The guy on the corner or the guy at the desk.
Friends fall victim to the system could I be next?
They say ‘a picture paints a thousand words’ but I write instead.
A thousand words of pain and a thousand of strength,
I used to carry anger now I carry a pen.
Where would I be now if I had carried it then.
Put it down then pick it up and I carry again.

If I knew then what I know now where would I stand,
But time waits for no man
And growth isn’t planned.
Nonetheless I’m still indebted to where this began.
Castletown Road, in a 1 bedroom flat.
3 boys, a baby on the way, 2 absent dads,
But wouldn’t change it if it changed me from the man that I am.
If it were possible I’d love to go back.

I’d tell myself it won’t be easy,
Along the way there’s bumps and pain.
Along the way there’s hurt and rage.
But it gets better so I’d tell myself to stay.
I’d tell myself that at 18 you won’t have it all figured out and that’s okay.
In the end you always learn, so make your mistakes.
Go ahead and be great.
Go ahead… for what’s ahead is the catalyst for change.

In 22 years you’d make a handful of friends.
But remember a handful is still full, so appreciate them.
And despite all the pain and in spite of the stress,
You’ll learn to cry tears of joy and smile when you’re depressed.
For whatever I am influences what I’ll become,
Even when heaven gained an angel and we lost one,
We still had dreams
And without those who would I have been?
Still Busy In Wonder.

Asya Valentine

 

Lilies and Wonder

Each breath is a blessing,
Each day is a new chapter in life.
Beginnings and endings,
Not much is promised but time.
So consider how you spend it,
Consider who you want to be,
Consider your message
Because the fact is there is no in-between.

That would be like thinking numbers have an ending. Instead, like thought its constant.
And thought, it blossoms, like life it grows.
Like the flowers, once the sun rises and glows.
The mind is delicate, if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, let them see thought.
Let them love you for you mind and more.
For physical things die, like the flowers they wilt.
But the mind, thoughts and alike travel from soul to soul at will.

So let the world love who you are not what you are.
As all things physical are temporary, but who you are.
For all things that wonder are beautiful and all things that are beautiful wonder.
As all questions have answers if you’re busy in wonder.

Still Busy In Wonder: Silent Thoughts… Chapter 13

image.jpegIn silence there’s noise. The untold can be so pure and valid. We often judge people on what we see and hear, removing context and ignoring the fact that we are constantly playing roles in society. We grow and mould our image, but character is harder to manipulate. Character is final. It’s who you are, the foundation of your existence.

I think about an interesting quote I heard about Tupac. It described the different facets of his personality as the person who he is, the person who he has to be and the person who he wants to be. I wonder sometimes if who I appear to be is reflective of who I am, who I have to be or who I want to be? I wonder, in a different world could I package my persona differently? Be exactly what it is that I want to be, free of any societal pressures.

Who you want to be and who you have to be are both things that can develop over time. Experiences can shape your understanding of life and alter your ambitions, but those experiences also have the ability to force you to act a certain way for survival. Raise a genius in a shallow pool and they will learn, adjust and ultimately fit in. They will be the person they feel they are required to be in order to strive in that environment.

I wonder how many people genuinely get to be who they are in this world? And on the flip side how many people are forced to adapt to the harsh reality of life. In a world where morality and acceptance lay on an ever-swinging pendulum how valid can anyone’s image truly be? More importantly to me, how true of a representation is my image of me? Ultimately I wonder if I will become a victim of this cycle or break it. In the end it will always be a battle between who we are and what we are.

Still Busy In Wonder: Solitude… Chapter 12

imageThe greatest thing about solitude is that it allows you the time to think. Every so often I have to remove myself from society to recollect my thoughts. In a funny way my response to any feelings of pain or loneliness is to seclude myself, it’s weird the way the mind works. But I guess there’s always an upside in all situations, even when it isn’t so blatant.

For me I find that these moments of exclusion often offer new insight into life. I ask myself how many of the seemingly trivial and mundane facets of life become that much more important when you consider them with greater delicacy. For example something as common as being asked ‘how your day was?’ Something that on the surface is a merely polite interaction, can and does mean that much more when it’s what you’re looking for.

When life isn’t as great as it seems and you truly want someone to ask how your day has been those words can mean so much more than normal. Talking becomes so much more appreciated in silence. The power of solitude is that it makes everything within its parameters that much louder and clearer to see. Such as the need for our subtle desires like being listened too and thought of by others on a daily public.

This isn’t a plea for you to ask anyone how there day was, but rather a selfish one, one for you to reflect and ask yourself “who’s checked to see how my day was?” Take some time to be alone and use it to asses this question. How many people are really there for you when you need them?

SBIW, Asya Valentine 📝❤️

Still busy in wonder: Geographical Lottery… Chapter 11

How much of life can we really plan? As a child I had always tried to be someone that approached life using the theory that anything is achievable. That if you work hard enough you can be anything you want. I guess that was the innocence in me rather than anything logical.

I’ve been thinking lately about how much in life is determined before we are born. Ultimately we control very little. Just take where you’re born for example, how many of us would be in the same position we are today had we been born somewhere else? It’s a geographical lottery, if you are lucky enough to be born into a situation that is conducive with prosperity, your future prospects are immediately brighter than someone who was born into poverty. How many businessmen and professionals, how many geniuses and leaders have been born but never discovered?

Even then, poverty and prosperity are both relative concepts. Poverty isn’t something that can be measured in mass, instead it is dependant on where you are and what/who’s around you. The man with £1000 is rich to the man with £10 but poor to the man with £10,000. I guess what I’m saying is it is an illusion. Everything that anyone has ever accomplished, both the good and the bad, are more down to chance than skill. With such nuance in life what’s reality?

Whether we are looking at cultural , ideological or economical differences, how much of it is pre-determined before we are born? If our world view is dependent on our experiences, how can we take our world view and apply it to people who haven’t experienced what we have?

image.jpeg

Read Between The Lines. 3:14am

Don’t run from my mind.
I know we live in the Internet era, a picture paints a thousand words, a thousand followers, do the math…
but don’t run from my mind.

Easier said than done.
I know it’s hard for you to prioritise time, but that’s all we have and all we spend, so once again do the math?
But just don’t run from my mind.

The lost soul, the writer. The desired outcast, in a place where sometimes the bridge feels to far to cross, it would be easy to burn it.
For now enter my mind.

Subliminal but sublime, read between the lines and find your way across this ocean which is my mind. If pressure breeds diamonds and burst pipes which am I?

If nothing else, just don’t run away from my mind.

SBIW, Asya Valentine

Still Busy In Wonder: Lost Hope… Chapter 10

It’s been a while, apologies, I hope you understand when I explain the issue. The problem is the people with the voices don’t always have the information. We glorify and promote the misguided when we should be teaching them, giving them the resources to relay the greater message. I find that often the people who are heard are the ones who can speak with the masses, the ones who speak in the language of the many and match the intelligence of the unknowing. If you keep hearing messages from those who know nothing how will you ever grow?

It’s bigger than the individual, we are the sum of our parts. The misguided leading the ignorant, the ignorant becoming the misguided and continuing the toxic circle. At times I write then discard, then write again, all the while refraining to post. It’s easy to say something when you have nothing to say, but when you’re really trying to say something, when you really have a message, the hardest thing is finding a way to package it.

At times I lose hope. When I see all what is being celebrated and promoted my faith in what I believe to be the right thing dwindles. I wonder if my idea of right and wrong is a mirage, if I am the only one who is unheard then maybe my message isn’t the one that the world wants. If I am the only one who is voiceless then maybe my tune isn’t the one that’s needed. For my tune is harsh, it isn’t always going to be fine, for a butterfly to fly it must face darkness, the same way for the people to move forward we must sacrifice.

This is my hope and its dying. Maybe this isn’t the best place for me to relay all my thoughts, so I hold back, the words mirror my tears that grow from ear to ear but never fall. My hope is the candle that was never lit, instead it waits for a spark that never comes and a shine that was never promised. My hope is lost and at times, I don’t think it will ever be found.

SBIW, Asya Valentine 💔

Still Busy In Wonder: Lost In Wonder, 4am… chapter 9

image.gifTimes like this my mind ticks. I wonder what awaits me, what’s next in this life. One of my youngers told me he’s lost in life, he looked at me like I had the answers but all I can offer is an ear. I ain’t selfish I’m just lost too. So uncertain, not sure where this journey will take me. All I can do is document this all. The thing about being lost is you never really know exactly where it is that you are trying to go. Imagine being on a train without a final destination, you just sit and wait, hoping that someone will tell you where to get off, but nobody shows, so you sit and wait and wait and wait.

I guess I had sort of made peace with the idea that I am yet to fully understand my own path, but seeing him and hearing him talk was like looking in a mirror. Imagine someone telling you about their life, assuming their feelings are foreign to you, but on so many levels you can relate and no matter how much you relate, in that moment your job is to appear to have the answers. How do you tell someone who needs answers that you need the same answers they seek?

Everything is so temporary, even the feelings. These are the thoughts I hardly disclose. The burden of success in a materialistic world, the pressure to achieve something tangible in this disconnected world. It’s difficult to ‘compete’ in a world that doesn’t share your goal post. I think I found myself lost with the idea of what life is in the modern world.

SBIW, Asya Valentine 📝❤️

Grenfell Tower fire is not a tragedy, it’s a DISASTER.

imageI struggled writing this. In fact I didn’t want to write this at all. I shouldn’t be writing this because quite frankly it shouldn’t have happened. After hours of interviews, hours of debate and a seemingly endless stream of consciousness, one thing is certain, this was no tragedy. This is a disaster, the likes of which will never be forgotten and should be spoken about as such. Many are suggesting that the death toll could rise to the hundreds and this is only the beginning.

As we now stare at what has become a painful reminder of everything that is wrong with capitalism, the greed, the disregard of life that is seen in the face of profit, we must demand justice. The cosmetic use of unsafe cladding to appease tourist and rich people who are viewing the building is, was and will always be a disgrace. Austerity and greed, the combination that is responsible for this unbelievable destruction… the price for a proper standard of living should not be death.

With a public inquiry announced by Prime Minister Theresa May, we must be clear about what this means. This is a government led investigation, how can we expect the government to fairly investigate the government? It’s a conflict of interest, very similar to new housing regulations that conservative MPs voted against, despite almost 80 of the MPs profiting from this. What we need now is an inquest, separate of government, with no conflict of interest or bias, an inquest for justice.

I initially didn’t want to write anything. I wanted to collate all of the facts around the situation before speaking on it out of the fear of being clouded by emotions. But it’s these same emotions that carried me and so many others, whether it was those who were bringing supplies for the survivors, those who were organising supplies or just those who where there to show solidarity and strength in numbers. The community started to walk what will inevitably be a long road to justice and healing, a community that is now mourning loss and once again being shown by the establishment that we do not matter.

The tower now stands as a testament for what happened here. A symbol of disaster and pain, a reminder for us all. I’d like to end by offering my condolences to the victims and all those who were affected by this disaster. Your lives were abruptly and prematurely taken by a system which has shown time and time again that poor people are disposable. A system which was never built for us to thrive, a system that fully intends to separate people and base their value as a human on their ability to generate money. This is not a broken system, this is austerity working exactly how it was designed to work.

Long Live Latimer, Rest In Peace to all. SBIW, Asya Valentine